Google+ Mom to 2 Posh Lil Divas: The 11 Step Program - (reposted from Mommying on the Fly)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The 11 Step Program - (reposted from Mommying on the Fly)

I can't take credit for this post but I just had to share it!  This post is from Lisa over at Mommyting on the Fly and it screams to be shared and laughed at by many! Thanks for the laughs this morning Lisa! It was great!

Here it goes:

The 11 Step Program...


Step 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Step 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Step 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Step 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Step 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Step 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Step 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Step 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Step 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Step 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Step 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

*************

** Hilarious, right? Mainly because it is true and to see it written out like that is just plain funny! Every now and then us moms need a good laugh at the daily struggles and challenges we face that is our "daily life"  and this was simply perfect for just that reason! **

Hope you enjoyed and don't forget to stop by and visit Lisa and tell her how much you enjoyed it too!

Bern

17 comments:

  1. Hi there! I am stopping by from the blog hop! It's nice to meet ya!

    http://massholemommy.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Following you from "Catch a Wave Wednesday"! Please stop by and follow me back.

    http://www.AMommysSweetBlogDesign.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi there,
    Stopping by for the Winter Wednesday Blog Hop. Love your blog!
    Hope you'll stop by mine as well:
    www.bellaandgracies.blogspot.com
    www.chloessandbox.blogspot.com

    Thanks,
    Karen

    ReplyDelete
  4. Already a follower but you are entertaining. Good posts should be republished sometimes. I'm glad you were able to do it. It was very entertaining!

    Clay
    http://www.tantrumstroublesandtreasures.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. That was cute!
    I just stopped by to follow you from Product Review Place, will you follow me?
    http://songberries.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love this! my friend posted this on her Facebook today and I was dying...this is why I do not have children ;) Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I am your newest follower!

    ReplyDelete
  7. New follower(seen your shout out on pitch it). Please do the same for me :)
    http://www.momtobedby8.com/

    ReplyDelete
  8. Happy Wednesday!

    I'm your newest follower and would love for you to stop by and follow me back!

    Be sure to check out my giveaways while you're there too!

    Cheers from Being Frugal & Making It Work!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ha...Hilarious!!! So True.

    Fellow Blog Hopper:)

    ReplyDelete
  10. This made me laugh and cry lol I was married almost 9 years before we had kids. Oh how things have changed in the last year lol.
    I am a new follower
    http://thecouponqueenbee.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  11. That was cute!
    I'm following :)

    http://havesippywilltravel.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for sharing the great and funny post.

    I'm a new follower, please follow back when you get a chance.

    ~Steph
    http://fortheluvofsanity.blogspot.com
    http://thispainsux.blogspot.com
    http://sinsanity1.blogspot.com

    (18+ and not easily offended only please!!)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Too funny! Thanks for stopping by both our blogs. Cute blog.
    New follower.
    ~ Carol

    ReplyDelete
  14. Haha, yeah I saw this on Facebook. It's funny.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love this!!! so fun and soo true and Im just in the first stages of motherhood!! Thank you for stopping by my blog! Im following you back!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Following from PRP.
    ~Melissa
    http://www.mnmrheinlander.blogspot.com
    http://www.twitter.com/MSRheinlander
    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Keeping-Up-With-The-Rheinlanders/142498255802871

    ReplyDelete
  17. lo.. Loved your comment about the whining, I tell hubby all the time.. Jim Carey got it ALL wrong in Dumb and Dumber.. That was NOT the MOST annoying sound.. Obviously he hadn't lived with twin toddlers.. lol.. BTW.. Saw you signed up for Bloghopalooza, but didn't see where ya followed.. Hope you've gotten a fewwwwww.. lol..

    ReplyDelete

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