This morning I took the Lil Divas to preschool (as usual) and left with a broken heart (not usual!)
Let me explain -
The Littlest Diva had a doll she wanted to share with her teacher and class. This is usually not allowed so I told her to leave it in the car and ask her teacher first. If it was ok I would bring it back in for her to share. All goes well, teacher says yes, I drop off the oldest Diva next door at her class and head out to the car to fetch Princess Ariel.
When I walk into the classroom my baby is sitting on her teacher's lap crying! I mean really and truly crying, tears flowing down her face and hyperventiliating crying! This is the girl who loves school and was excited when Christmas vacation was over so she could go back! I instantly thought she was hurt and ran to her.
I ask what's wrong to which she answers "I want to go with you mommy, I don't want to go to school."
I honestly didn't know what to think, she has never done this! She LOVES going to school. I hugged her and tried to console her. She calmed down and we sat at a table to draw. Once she was calmer I told her that I would be back later - MORE TEARS and then between gasping sobs she begs me to stay with her! I couldn't - or maybe wouldn't is the right word to use. Yes, I had to work this morning but more than that I felt conflicted.
Technically, I could have stayed if I really wanted to. Yet, I did not want her to think that she could just return home with me any day she just didn't feel like going to school or that I would stay at school with her whenever she felt like it. Reasonable? I thought so. So why did I feel like the world's WORST mom?
All I wanted to do was take her with me and make her feel better. Watching her cry for me broke my heart into a million tiny pieces. I wanted to cry! I hated not being able to make it all better - isn't that what mom's do? I was failing miserably, or so it felt at that moment!
Still, I braced myself gave her a hug and a kiss, told her she would have a great day with her friends and that I would be back in a lil while to pick her up. She looked at me with those eyes, swimming in a pool of tears and I nearly broke.... but her teacher grabbed her and sat her in her lap and told her she could be her special helper for the day. She then gave me that look that as a teacher I know all too well, that look that means, GO NOW while you still can! So I went. Though of course on the way out I told the Teacher's Aide to call me if she was still crying after awhile and I would come get her - after all I am not heartless you know!
Then I went to work and worried all morning about my baby. Seriously, I could not stop thinking about her and I could not stop feeling bad even though I knew she would be fine and that I had done the right thing!
When I went to pick her up she was in good spirits and the teacher told me she had a great day after that! Phew! If only the same could have been said about ME!
Though I know it's hard everyday - on days like today it feels especially difficult to be a good mom. Why? I realized that in order to be a good mom and teach our kids valuable lessons, sometimes we have to be the WORLD'S WORST MOM (at least in their eyes for that moment) and that STINKS! Know what I mean?
P.S. Take a look at this sweet lil face and tell me if you would have been able to walk away while she cried for you without suffering a broken heart.